Shrek Script {Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. Not by some ogre and hihihis pet. DONKEY: Yeah, right, brimstone. SHREK: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. The sun is just about to set. Oh, you must know how it goes: A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. Shrek backs away and bumps into a tree stump. SHREK: (Whispering) This is the part where you run away. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. Shrek takes off his helmet and reveals his ogre self. You don't have to worry about a thing. Suddenly he hears a far out yell from Shrek. (laughs). DONKEY: What do you mean? I can't breathe. DONKEY: Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) I will have--. MIRROR: What I mean is you're not a king yet. SHREK: There it is, princess. You know, I'd better go inside. Donkey, there's no we. DONKEY: Do you have a tissue or something? FIONA: I need to find somewhere to camp-now! Do not get comfortable! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye. That is a nice boulder. I mean we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? He's ready to talk. FIONA: Well that's what they always say and thenthenthen the next thing you know, you're on your back. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Two! When they arrive, they find they are not as welcome as they thought they would be. FIONA: Sunset?! Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?". ), GORDER: I found some cheese. Guard 3: Give me that! Now -- now remove your helmet. Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. DONKEY: Okay, so here's another question. Shrek and Donkey exchange looks. (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) The Captain looks behind himself and sees that all the other guards have abandoned him. Donkey dodges the guards as they try to grab him and runs deeper into the forest. I love Duloc, first of all. He rolls over, knocking Fiona off her feet and causing her to land on top of him. Listen to me! All is quiet and Fiona is nowhere to be seen. Taken aback, Shrek drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona. Fiona looks guilty, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. They begin to sing along with Monsieur Hood. DONKEY: Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. Suddenly the chandelier jerks Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. What are you gonna do with that? FIONA: Wait--where are you going? In 2001, the landscape of animated films changed forever when Shrek premiered. DONKEY: And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! and set down in front of her. Donkey, with the flower dropped at his feet, gives them a suggestive look. FARQUAAD: Very well, ogre. Just let me off, please! That's what all the other knights did! GINGERBREAD MAN: Well, she's married to the muffin man. Camp is definitely starting to sound good. Kick it to the curb. Your future awaits you. DONKEY: (Jumping up and down) Oh! The dragon now focuses its attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. Fiona starts a playful shoving match with Shrek, with Shrek ultimately flinging her into the bushes. A large amount of guards run in and grab ahold of Shrek and Fiona. That's just how it has to be. Donkey is asleep. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. I'm the talking-est damn thing you ever saw. Her expression changes from confusion to horror as Monsieur Hood sings the last line: MONSIEUR HOOD: I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start Fiona swings down from the tree limb and kicks Monsieur Hood in the head, knocking him unconscious. DONKEY: I'm gonna die. DONKEY: Well, yeah! FIONA: Hey, wait. DONKEY: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? DONKEY: Yes. With Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, Julie Andrews. Too quiet. There's something I want Fiona looks around for Shrek only to see Donkey sleeping. FARQUAAD: There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Awful stuff. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. Now come on! An image of Cinderella doing housework flips to a portrait of Cinderella in her ball gown putting on the glass slipper. SHREK: Why do you want to talk about it? Fiona, expecting a different question, removes the weedrat while Shrek is annoyed by the words that couldn't come out. FIONA: It's the only way to break the spell. Move it along. She tries to sneak away, but a wood plank breaks and she falls down with a crash. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? MIRROR: Well, technically you're not a king. 65m. They are chased by Dragon through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. SHREK: All right! I wanted to show you before. She begins backing up toward the windmill. FIONA: Hey! VILLAGER 1: Back! Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight-in-shining armor. You go back. SHREK: It's quiet. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Deeper in the woods, Donkey is hurriedly searching for the flower. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place. Three? Oh! Before sunset. Shrek is munching on an onion. No! DONKEY: Wait a minute. Shrek sighs. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. Is that about right? There's no our. SHREK: Hey! Princess, where are you? Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. Suddenly Dragon lands nearby and the guards flee in terror. Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the fields heading away from Duloc. FIONA: A ballad? DONKEY: Yes, my half. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? Lord Farquaad? T-shirts, posters, stickers, home decor, and more, designed and sold by independent artists around the world. Shrek looks back at the laughing crowd and then down at the floor, dejected. SHREK: I don't care what everyone likes. See?! FARQUAAD: Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? Woo, look at that! GORDER: (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. My swamp! (the dragon roars) I mean white, sparkling teeth! DONKEY: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (Gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). GINGY: Okay, I'll tell you. Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? DONKEY: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! SHREK: Oh, really? Donkey steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below. (Suggestively raises his eyebrows). The bee, of. Pastebin.com is the number one paste tool since 2002. For emotional support. You're not that ugly. (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. Her look turns from nervousness to bemusement, and she awkwardly smiles. This is the transcript for the 2001 film, Shrek. DONKEY: Ha-ha-ha! Fiona leans over a barrel filled with water, looking at her reflection. The two slowly lean towards each other. DONKEY: Ha, ha! SHREK Not fast enough. FIONA: Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I'll see you drawn and quartered! That's the last thing on my mind. Oh. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. Hmm? If we need you, I'll whistle. FIONA: I'm sorry, but it has to come out. (laughs). DONKEY: Shrek, wait, wait! Donkey gasps and makes eye contact with Shrek. SHREK Got ya. A man and woman run through the castle's entrance. You know what? This is good. DONKEY: Man, I like you. Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes off his sooty face with it, blackening it. The group quickly climbs up to safety. A sonnet! Fiona initially looks happily surprised to see him, but quickly becomes upset. I see what's goin' on here. This was not Shrek's intention. FIONA: It'll take that long? DONKEY: Can I say something to you? Okay, here we go. As he walks off biting it, she licks her fingers. (his nose grows). She was talkin' aboutuhsomebody else. "Wanted. Those waiting in line include Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Geppetto who is carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer carrying the Three Little Pigs. An ogress emerges from the cloud of flour, approaching Donkey. This one's full. This is really good. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Shrek is sitting at the dinner table when he hears a sound outside. Let's get married today. Please people, like @codeforester, keep it simple; the best software always is. MONSIEUR HOOD: Break it down. I am eternally in your debt. I ask your hand in marriage. The chain swings back and he is left dangling above her. SHREK: Yeah, sorry, lady. That's Duloc. Please! Why don't you just go ask her? I'll never be stubborn again. Donkey looks nervous, but Shrek and Fiona give him reassuring looks. Knights, new plan! Hey! Fiona stares at her wedding cake, pushing down a figure of Farquaad to show his actual height. 75 - "INTRO TO BARRY" INT. The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek walk ahead towards the altar. No! Turn your head and cough! Take it and go before I change my mind. Farquaad holds Fiona's hand, puckers his lips, and leans toward her. SHREK: Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. It just needs a few homey touches. Your flying days are over. (Shushes Donkey). DONKEY: (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uhreally tall? The guards laugh at the Mirror's joke. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. What do I have to do get a little privacy? I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. It's a compliment. Later that night Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. Shrek throws a sunflower into the fireplace. . SHREK: Yeah, my swamp! Hey! FARQUAAD: Oh! OLD WOMAN: No, no, he talks! I order you to get that out of my sight now! He hears a huge ripping sound and looks over at Fiona, who has torn the bark off of a tree with her bare hands. You handle the dragon. SHREK: Oh, no. DONKEY: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. (The pixie dust's effects begin to wear off) Uh-oh. DONKEY: What did you do with the princess?! You were saying? FIONA: Lord Farquaad? (laughs). Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling towards him with the dragon close behind him. SHREK: Well, yeah. FIONA: A door. Fiona looks a little embarrassed as she smoothes out her dress and regains her composure. SHREK: Wait a second. (Shrek slams the door, shutting Donkey outside) I mean, I do like the outdoors. He turns to look at Fiona, who playfully shakes the arrow back and forth with a coy smile. I really don't think this is a good idea. DONKEY: Shrek, we can do better than that. Shrek and Fiona both try to eat dinner but start crying. Donkey catches up to Shrek as he his walking away. Fiona is put off by this exchange. Puss leaps onto the bed. Don't let them do this! DONKEY: You are mean to me! Shrek terrifies the mob with a great frightening roar, his spit extinguishing all the remaining torches. Dragon roars, causing most of the guards to away in fear. Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. SHREK: (laughs) I just--you know - - Oh, come on. No! GINGY: Eat me! That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees melike this. I've heard enough. -Twenty pieces. (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) Fiona opens the door and watches him walk away. Donkey interrupts the moment. SHREK: No! For her true love and true love's first kiss. DONKEY: Oh, yeah. The bed's taken. SHREK: Are you talkin' to(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? No! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! Me! FARQUAAD: Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. SHREK: That'll do, Donkey. That was really scary. WOODEN PEOPLE: Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town / Here we have some rules let us lay them down / Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine / Duloc is perfect place / Please keep off of the grass / Shine your shoes, wipe your face / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is perfect place. FARQUAAD: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. A large group of guards stand outside the cathedral on watch. The book opens and a voice begins reading its text: SHREK: Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. FIONA: No, it's destiny. DONKEY: What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? He looks in horror at the witch and a group of dwarves being loaded into a wagon. Your welcome is officially worn out! Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?! Come on. Fairy tale creatures are put in chains and led into wagons by Duloc Guards. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. DONKEY: Alright now I know you're making this up. SHREK: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? Her sad look turns to bitterness. GUARD: All right. (talking) The chicks love that romantic crap! Calm down! Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. I can change. Come on! But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by Love's first kiss. SHREK: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. There is a montage of their journey. FARQUAAD: Who cares?! THE CAPTAIN: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Shrek fiddles with the door handle, unable to open it. FIONA: Well(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's athere's an arrow in your butt! Farquaad seems confused but watches on silently. She reaches down, squeezing Donkey's face. This includes taking a mud shower, brushing his teeth with bugs, bathing in a muddy pond, gathering giant slugs for dinner, and painting a warning sign. 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